May 2001

By Shelby Jones (Washington D.C.)


Click here for Rules 1 thru 8

Well, here we go again with THE RULES. You want to see a good film so you scan or your local rag and decide to stroll down to the local (1,000-PLEX) theater, dolly out your cash and stroll inside with that popcorn smell invading your sinuses & clothes. [Date in tow or solo]... Oooo we, gonna see a blockbuster - can't wait till the trailers end in about an hour. And then the blockbuster explodes on the screen and your ego thrusts you into the life of the Hero. Uh, Oh? You are confused because you realize that the Hero is not special at have seen every scene before. You shout inside, "damn, they said Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts would sizzle together." Sorry - you should have read RULE NO. 9.

MOVIE RULE - Rule No. 9

If two mega-stars are appearing together in a supposed "blockbuster," with a silly title, you might want to stay home and watch "Friday." Which brings us to the 10th Commandment in Rules.

MOVIE RULE - Rule No. 10

"Friday" is the ultimate time-space filler when you need to rejuvenate or remind yourself not to take yourself or this world "too" seriously. Remember these lines:

"It's kinda like both of ours..."
- Redd
"We was rollin..."
- Smokey
"Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen...."
- Mr. Jones
"Smokey, playin with my money, is like playin with my emotions..."
- Big Worm

MOVIE RULE - Rule No. 11

The keys are always in the ignition EXCEPT in horror films. Most times only the "killer" is in the car.

MOVIE RULE - Rule No. 12

If our hero goes undercover, his partner will inevitably be killed before the Hero solves the case. Of course when the Hero learns of his partners murder, he/she will pull out THAT SPECIAL BRIEFCASE, which contains every gun, grenade, rocket and bullet ever made by man. Suddenly, the bad guys don't stand a chance.

MOVIE RULE - Rule No. 13

For rule Number Thirteen, I must pay homage to the original FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH - the simple rule is that it is the horror champ. Jason was never as scary as his knife-wielding deranged soccer mom.

MOVIE RULE - Rule No. 14

If our Hero is a basketball player, he/she will undoubtedly be given the opportunity to win the big game with one shot. The game winning shot must be shown in slow motion.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 15

Clint Eastwood is going to kill you. Clint never dies. He gets shot and stuff and maybe bruised but never dies. Remember, they tried to HANG 'EM HIGH and couldn't do it; they tried to get him for a FISTFUL OF DOLLARS and some other cat tried FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE. THE GOOD, THE BAD and THE UGLY tried but Clint rode off in the sunset like JOSEY WALES. Clint's enemies are always UNFORGIVEN. And even if M. Night ShyaaaAIL...Shyamm...M.Night Shyaaa know the guy that wrote THE SIXTH SENSE - even if he were to write a script for Clint, this rule is UNBREAKABLE.

[Disclaimer - If you know of a film where Clint was killed, please e-mail me and let me know. I could be wrong.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 16

Ahh, but hold tight. Will Smith never dies either. Even when Will was the ENEMY of the STATE they couldn't take down Big-Will. When he was a BAD BOY cop with a comedian for a sidekick, Will still held his own. Aliens even tried to kill Will when he was hanging out with MEN IN BLACK and on INDEPENDANCE DAY they didn't stand a chance. Now that's a Hero.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 17

When the bad guy has a lean and mean crew, at least one of his boyz will drop dime on him. Unfortunately, this will cause the snitch to catch a bad one. [For those of you that do not know what "catch a bad one" means - see definitions below] This rule even applies to cable television programming - did Tony Soprano have any choice? Big Pussy had to be relieved of his duties and dumped in the ocean. Da Rat!

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 18

The Police Chief characteristics:

  1. Fat
  2. Black
  3. Can't dress
  4. Screams & Spits
  5. Always says, "Godamnit, I've got to answer to downtown for your bullshit."

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 19

The bad guys will always try to escape through restaurant kitchens throwing pots and pans in the path of the pursuers.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 20

All science fiction films begin with the date. I guess its important but no one remembers the date. Quick - what year did BLADE RUNNER take place? See what I mean.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 21

The Hero is cornered. Imagine there are 10 men and they have 10 guns with magazines that hold 6 rounds of ammunition - the Hero has a banana, a Ricky Martin CD and some rope - I guarantee the Hero will escape every one of those bullets. Occasionally, a filmmaker might allow his hero to catch a shoulder wound or something minor. But he is never hit directly.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 22

If it's a romantic comedy and you have a "funny" feeling that it will be a dud, trust me, it is. Romantic comedies, as a rule, are only good in odd numbered years. I do not know why - those are the rules.


Catch a Bad One
- A phrase probably generated during the dawn of man when a mother noticed that her child was "catching a cold." As the flu rolled around, the phrase, "catching a bad one" was born. In the year 2001, the term is now used in the hip-hop vernacular to mean that you are about to get your "ass kicked, shot up or beat down." For those of you that do not know what "beat down" means, remember the Rodney King video? No offense Rodney.

Click here for Rules 1 thru 8