March 2001

Terminator II Movie Poster


By Shelby Jones (Washington D.C.)

During my many hours of watching films, I have observed a few recurring patterns other than the “black guy getting killed in Act One.” If you think that pattern is dead, see 3,000 MILES TO GRACELAND…oops, I hope I didn’t give away too much.

To get started, I am making available the first eight Rules. How many MOVIE RULES are there? Tune in to WEEKLY as the RULES will return. Until then, enjoy yourself.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 1

When the hero is being chased by the bad guys and runs to the top of a building, he will undoubtedly feel trapped. As the bad guys get closer, suddenly our hero will discover a long rope, wire or dangling cable that he will utilize to propel himself to the next building swinging through the air like an urban Tarzan. The bad guys will look on in amazement and take the stairs.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 2

If our hero is being chased in a tall, tall building, he/she will undoubtedly encounter a spiral staircase which will allow the bad guys perfect angles to shoot randomly. However, the hero never dies on the stairs or while being chased in tall buildings anyway.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 3

When our hero and his lady decide to dance, the dance floor must immediately be cleared so that they are the only people that appear to really be shakin their groove thing. Did this start with Saturday Night Fever or a Michael Jackson video?

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 4

The bad guys will always conduct their business in huge abandoned warehouses, alleys, restaurants or smoky card games. The bad guys never, ever conduct business at their homes...if they do, they are also killed there.

Rocky II Movie Poster

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 5

Even if the bad guy weighs 350lbs and is seven-feet tall, he will lose in a fist-fight to our 150lb hero…you do recall that Rocky beat Apollo Creed?


If our hero is once again being chased by the bad-guys, he/she will unconsciously car-jack an unsuspecting motorist to get away. When our hero is driving away to safety, the bad-guys will stare into the sky with a look of disbelief and payback in their eyes.


If the hero and the bad guy are fighting on a moving locomotive, one of them, usually the bad guy, will be partially pushed off the train. If the film is a comedy, the bad guy or hero must be immediately plastered in the head by one of those rail crossing signs or if they are atop the train, a long metal lamp-pole will do. Of course they will not die. Which brings us to MOVIE RULE 7 (B), which is if the film is a drama, suspense, thriller or action flick, the hero will be hospitalized and the bad guy will die on impact. Sorry, those are the rules.

MOVIE RULES - Rule No. 8

The femme fatale will get you -- simple as that!